Going back to school is important to me. It's something I have always wanted to do. I have an associates degree from 1987. I've taken a few classes after that and then the last five years I started taking some english classes until I decided it was time to go back full-time and finish. Get my degree so I can teach.
That being said, it has been a very hard journey for me, and this is only the fourth week.
Despite getting the associates degree, I have had very limited schooling. We moved around constantly as a child (usually for no good reason) and were usually in two different school each school year. We didn't go from one school to the next either, there were several weeks of missed school between schools.
My mother said on at least one occasion that if she had known when the rapture would be, we wouldn't even go to school. So education was not a priority in my house growing up.
The year I was supposed to be in 5th grade my parents decided they knew their rights and pulled us out of school and bought us correspondence courses. But it really had nothing to do with their rights as much as selfish desires of both parents.
I had not been a strong student with the help of a teacher, it was nearly impossible without one.
My husband praises me for my accomplishments, but I don't feel accomplished. I feel ridiculous most of the time. Ridiculous because I am having such a hard time and I am doing it to myself. I want to be here, but I am afraid of failing. Of not being good enough.
What does it matter? I try to remind myself. I'm doing it. But it does matter, and it is just something I have to work through.
It is interesting to me how I can be out of crazy situations for years, I've been married almost 32 years, but then I stretch out of my comfort zone and like a rubber band I feel propelled backward to the cesspool of feelings from the past.
In a particular class I'm taking, the professor keeps telling the students not to be afraid of being wrong. Take a chance, what is the worst that can happen...
Funny story, when I was a child my mother would often tell me, "it's better for people to think you're stupid then to open your mouth and remove all doubt".
I'm going to end it here today and just let that sink in.
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